inner struggle

raindrops.

wearing embarrassment
like a broken heart
feelings trickle down
like rain drops
unforgiving and still damp
cooling fevers and contentment
fleeting moments
washing away peaceful sentiment
breathing resentment
average gestures
tease need for validation
seeking surface comfort
and avoiding self
thoughts and blinded reflection
keeping loneliness away listening to raindrops
and my slowed heartbeat
drowning out instinct
where sleep is awakened
by a shame and blues
where love is and unforgiving and forgotten by you
A gift given freely
but never without cost
keeping secrecy of souls happiness lost
raindrops on flesh
refreshing only skin
but what lies within
remains unquenched
And left dry with regret
Raw and trying to
Neglect the deafening sound
Of raindrops bouncing off
once still waters...

Choice...

Curled up on cold tile
Water grazing tense skin
Thoughts flooding a restless mind
Feelings rising like steam
Awakening like numbed fingertips
Vulnerability speaks here
Singing of choice and self
Awareness washing away fear
Instinct shadowed by need
New beginnings embracing flesh
discovery and destiny wait there
Curled up on cold tile
Life is decided here
Shame and vermilion cheeks
Snaking down drains
Like repressed memories
Where happiness like fleeting butterflies
becomes elusive and teasing
And complacent in being just enough...

a new day, a better me, an electrifying experience.

fingertips...

its like an electric charge ripping
through my body.
every inch, crevice, flesh and skin.
all tingling with an intensity i have
never experienced.
shattered walls and thoughts crumbling
of everything i thought i knew.
heart pounding like drums of a million
drummers lined on concrete drowning out
the white noise of this world.
rhythm and human nature like
joined hips singing melodies of love
and lust.
the need for touch and intimacy
on divine planes.
and as the pleasure subsides
a serene bliss breaks over my face like
daylight breaking dawn.
complete silence and self reflection.
pushing worries and doubt at bay.
listening to heart, soul and flesh.
blending voices like cathedral choirs.
this song and dance not meant to be choreographed
by ideologies and social graces
but rather a following of the wind and
whispers of instinct and nature.
still tingling and caught between sleep and raw awareness
a smile breaks across my face
pushing worry to the pit of my stomach,
i listen to the sound of breath and grazing of my skin
soft and enticing
still, and gentle, completely inviting.
with closed eyes and open fists
i slip outside of all i have ever known of myself
and grasp a new reality
senses now awakened and thoughts racing
taking silent and deep breaths
trusting that needs and wants have formed a truce
i accept self love in the form of flesh
and feel electricity make quiver a sleeping and gentle
giant
that has remained alone for fear of this moment
"it's ok"  i whisper to myself
gripping hands and letting go
i found freedom in understanding a part of myself
and my nature that has laid dormant in tense skin
walls down and feelings flooding forward
i laugh silently at myself
finding joy in defeated fear
 and welcomed embarrassment
i lay still listening to drummers in my heart
sighs grazing flesh
and freedom in my palms

first poem of the year written on 01.30.2012. great memory

(image: http://contrary-garden.blogspot.com/2010/11/tattoo-files-fight-or-flight.html)

ready for love...

Maybe your path has yet to cross mine because I'm not ready,
Not ready for the kind of love you have to offer.
A love that is kind, pure, passionate, real, sweet, intense
And most importantly, perfectly mine.

Fit just for me...and you.
Fit to create a we, two puzzle pieces
merged to create one picture.
The kind of love I have envied in others.
The kind that feels right, no matter how much you try to push it away.
That kind that takes your breath away as you got lost in the sweetness of
his gasp.
And yet, as the thought of this dances in my mind
and flutters in my heart
He is still not here.
Maybe, because I am not ready.
Because I have yet to love myself as unconditionally as he does.
Flaws and all, mistakes and falls, right and wrongs.
Maybe because I still haven't learned to forgive and let go.
To rise above the dark corners of my stories,
and forgive the memories I can never erase.
I wonder if he is ready for me,
if we can be everything I imagine it should be.
And as I fall asleep
I hope I see in my dreams what my reality has yet to show.
Maybe in the morning I'll be ready and waking up will be as sweet as dreaming has been.

Jesuis Aime`

plus one.

I want....

Butterflies in my tummy, mind hijacked by thoughts of him, and possibilities of where this could lead fluttering by my heart. Recognizing all the qualities of my ideal man and realizing that sometimes the imperfections are a work in progress toward mutual compromise. Not perfect but perfect for me. Funny and charming. Manly and sensitive. Understanding, patient, and above all kind. Suitable for my porch tea sipping, old folks age partner in life, dreaming. Last puzzle piece in the extended quilt of my family. Loves my mother, can watch soccer with my father, and sports talk with my brother. Loving to my nephews, nieces, Godkids, and lovingly tolerant of my extended, quirky, sometimes over the top family. The type to hold your hand firm and take you in his arms at the right moment without being asked. Kisses can leave you dazed yet serene, sublime and always in need of more. Supportive, encouraging, and proud of my accomplishments and even help me sidestep my mistakes. Arouse my creativity and embrace my lunacy and always knowing who I am is who I am. Loves me anyway. Can cook, clean, and take care of himself and me when life is too much for me. But just as happy with my "not as planned" mishaps in the kitchen, cleans like a 5th grader, control freak alter ego. (this happens only sometimes, of course) Someone that can look me in the eye, and say I love you, and leave my heart feeling safe. With just enough backbone to stand his ground but always more the willing to spoil this doll. Quiet nights reading, and going mindless with television. But quick to wine and dine, and always find new ways to love me type shit. Lets me love him in my own subtle and quiet ways. Understanding that my actions most times speak louder then my words. That "me time" is not get away from you time but rather a time to recharge and be grateful for the abundance in my life. Where flowers are more for just because then I'm sorry. Where we can be ourselves, and it doesn't feel like settling but having found the perfect mate. Where being bored together is better then being alone. Where love reigns supreme but feet are grounded, practical and creating a safety net for passion and whimsy. Where taking risks remain worth it and the past never creeps into the present or future because it's finally found its place. Where we always have a plus one, and till death do us part means the world to both. He is not here now, but I know he will be one day, and this time, when we find each other, we will be both ready and accepting of love, peace, and our version of happiness. my plus one.

jesuis aime'

(image: tinywhitedaisies.tublr.com)

fresh pair of eyes.

Birthday

Putting you on notice
That I notice you
Though, I never really wanted to
But you’ve always been there
I guess
and I guess
I just never noticed
I’ve caught your stare
A few times, I think
Think I even made you
Smile
I know I did
But I'm pretty sure
I made you think
Maybe not as much as me
Or maybe you just won’t admit it
And that's ok
But I know
Even for a blink in time
I had you shook
and you saw me shine
Bringing out a playful side
That’s been hiding and
Patiently waiting
For a reason 
or a season
just a small moment in time
where my girly side was feeling safe
and nothing could replace
This feeling
Feeling free
For the first time
in a long time
the funny thing is
It wasn’t even about you
more about me
But I’m glad it was you
Who for a second
saw me
Who I am
You sought me
And I couldn’t fight it
You tried to look
And I couldn’t hide it
Not sure what that day meant
But I know
I noticed you
And for a split sec
I think
you noticed me
too.

Above is a poem I just found that I wrote over 4 years ago, about a special person and a special birthday that left me feeling like the happiest and luckiest birthday girl in the city of angels. So much has changed since then, but I will always have this moment. Cheers to my best friend, for finding the quote that states that in our lives its moments that are remembered. This one holds a special place in my heart. <3

jesuis aime'

(Image: Sergio Rossi ad)

Love and Wednesaday



Wednesday

I was meant to love you.
Love you, like I did that Wednesday.
And not in an obsessive
I can’t breath without you kind of way.
But in the way it feels when
millions of butterflies are dancing in the bellies
of those sharing a first kiss.
Nervous and flawed,
Not perfect but always honest in its intentions.
I remember falling asleep
To the rhythm of your heart beat.
The beats sounding like waves breaking on cliffs
Beautiful, strong, silent.
Having never felt a real closeness to another human being,
I realized on Thursday
I was truly a part of something special, intimate.
A secret language of lovers, honest and real.
I found purpose in loving you.
And not that I mean my purpose is you.
But I found purpose and truth
in my ability to love so freely, and be so giving.
Never perfect just honest and warm.
In the moonlight and breeze of the pacific ocean
I knew I belonged to you
As much as you to me.
In this moment and vulnerability, I found myself.
I was connected to my heart, and my heart connected to you.
Like puzzles pieces no matter where they are placed
There is only one true and perfect fit.
I had no doubt we were a part of moments larger the we knew.
Understanding love and the universe, sacred things.
Distance would soon separate us,
But having seen lifetimes in your eyes,
and melting into warm embraces I hadn’t known
And will never stop hoping to feel again.
I find comfort in this memory, where sadness is a gaping hole.
We were never perfect only honest about feelings
and instincts.
Tuesday brought sadness
I will never forget, and not one of loss
But one of knowing it would be long
Before I felt these things again
Years later, we are still not perfect
But honestly connected
Because we shared secrets
Most will never know.
And I guess it was never meant to be perfect
But it was honest, soulful, and full of life.
And I was meant to love you, maybe not everyday
But just on Wednesdays when I find myself alone
And being honest.

*Original poem written by me over a year ago, edited, revised, revisited and loved again. Not perfect, just an honest reflection of a very real moment in my past life.

Jesuis Aime'

(image: classy-in-the-city.tumblr.com)