memories and rambling...

memories and ramblings.

My love for you is rooted in memories.

And I’ve often wondered if they’ll fade with time?

We have.

It all seems so long ago…

Sometimes I ask myself if they feel the same as when we made them.

Asking myself if they are as real as the empty void I have left.

A gaping hole taunted with memories of everything we had

I read old letters and look at pictures

Things seemed so different then.

Both guided by what was in our hearts, ruled by feeling and need.

We both were different then.

Me, in my innocence and willingness to be swept away by you.

You’ve seen the very part of me no one else has seen.

Vulnerability, unguarded, unconditional willingness to love and be loved back.

The look in your eyes has always been so peaceful.

A saving grace when the reality of this world is too much for me to bare

So willing to gaze me at ease.

My ego wonders if the price we paid was worth it.

We swam in many rivers fighting currents and our fears.

Many voices of concern and mocking what we attempted to make work

And here we are today…

So separate, so distant…

And yet while you look back with fondness in your reveries of our past,

I can’t seem to let the feelings and memories go...

I use to think it was you, grasping

…at the only pieces of myself

left open…and available…

Now I realize it’s been my soul clutching

To you…my escape from loneliness.

My love…

Things are so confusing now...

And these memories…

Are like ghosts haunting my heart and thoughts.

Pointing out my missteps, reflections, future and my need for a happier present.

And it’s so easy getting lost in you…my happy place

My most peaceful state…

The scent of you still lingers like heavy hearts and my heart bound like hands

Clutching to keep reality at bay

I think about the words that left me then, which I speak in silence that

My love grows still and always, and these, my memories

count passing days hoping to manifest in flesh…again.

An original poem written about a year ago, reworked and edited, like all my writing is still and probably will always will be a work in progress.

Jesuis Aime'

(image: details to come)

Excerpts and such

Ok, so I had another idea (or rant) to jot down as a part of this idea for a story I have swimming in my head. Once again, written in the shower. (I need a separate post to explain my affinity towards creative ideas that tend to happen in the shower)...anyhow here's another moment from my future novel!

"And so it seemed to me that everyone seemed to be getting married but me. And if they're not getting hitched, they're becoming engaged, living together, or parents. And then there's me, NO husband, NO boyfriend, NO baby, and not even the slightest idea as to when this is suppose to happen. My mother said to me the other day, "you know, you're not letting me die in peace." As I glanced at her with a look that can only be described as a cross between confusion and being mortified (at what she was going to say next) she says " I want to see you happy, with your own family, and it's just not happening." As if that wasn't bad enough, it gets followed up by an email from my brother about online dating sites and his future birthday gifts to me. My brother, my older brother who never even so much as talked to me about dating is GIVING ME tips! Is the world conspiring against me to return me to my days of awkward teenage girl writing bad poetry trolling AOL chat rooms?  I look to heavens wondering if God was still listening, and I think to myself, something has really got to give. Having a "Carrie" moment, I couldn't help but wonder, "always the bridesmaid, and never the bride" or "always the godmother, and never the mother" and I suddenly started to wonder is it to late to become a nun?"

Jesuis Aime'

(image via refinery29.com)

Novel Idea

The idea of being able to disappear from the routine of my everyday life to go and experience the world with new eyes has always been a dream. To then come bcak and become a hermit and write a novel about these experiences or the stories that develop as a result is another dream I have yet to fulfill. I have been writing since my horrid teen years. it has always been my escape from the life that sometimes chooses us more then we choose it. Just as a good book can serve as a much needed mental vacation, writing to me is a much needed emotional break from myself. Because I tend to write in spurts, from time to time I will post excerpts of my someday completed novel. (haha) Below, is one such piece of inspired writing that came to me one day while I was in the shower (or as I like to call my sanctuary) more on that later...

"Suddenly there he was, and everything I ever knew about love suddenly didn't matter. What mattered was this moment, in which two people that felt like they had no more left to give, discovered  they had eachother. There was no visible fireworks or the romantic sounds of rain, there was just two people standing honestly and with both hearts open. My own movie moment I thought, and though this guy was not as I had always dreamed he would be, he was everything I never realized I needed. Suddenly my mothers' word flashed across my mind, she always said "life doesn't always give you what you think you want, but is merely waiting for you to open yourself to what you really need." We stood silent for a long time, both hearts beating fast, and as the sun set, smiles beamed from our faces. I don't remember quite what he said, but I remember the warm grasp of his hand clutching mine, and the scent of him as I lay my head on his shoulder, and how safe I felt in this vulnerability. We walked with renewed purpose, and a thirst to really get to know eachother this time. And as we were seated in the corner of the most perfect coffee shop, I still didn't know if this was my perfect ending, but I was sure that this was the perfect beginning on the rode to carving my own slice of happiness."

Jesuis Aime¢

(image via sminspiration.tumblr.com)

The beginning of the Path

To whoever reads this,

              I have been intrigued by the blogging bug for years now. Not one for diaries, though I love journals, this is an ideal space to captures thoughts about well, everything. This is definitely not my first attempt at blogging, but rather, my first honest attempt at embracing the idiosyncrasies that make me who I am. First, let me say that I am a lover of things. But I also love simplicity. I am, and have been inspired by made blogs/bloggers over the past few years. And I think that my past attempts at blogging tried to mirror that affection. I realize now though that in doing that I was almost making it impossible to find my own style/voice, therefore, the consistency, quality and creativity suffered. Therefore, my daily reads are on the side for your own viewing pleasure. As I am discovering that inspiration is also in part a light emanating from the little voice inside of us that is always waiting for us to listen. I am not sure what this blogging adventure will end up being, and I am sure the content will be as erratic as the thoughts in my head. One this is for certain, this is my road to skinny, not just of my body, but my path back to myself, and everything that truly makes me who I am. Just a simple girl looking for her own slice of happy.....

Jesuis Aime¢

(image via weheartit.com)