inner struggle

raindrops.

wearing embarrassment
like a broken heart
feelings trickle down
like rain drops
unforgiving and still damp
cooling fevers and contentment
fleeting moments
washing away peaceful sentiment
breathing resentment
average gestures
tease need for validation
seeking surface comfort
and avoiding self
thoughts and blinded reflection
keeping loneliness away listening to raindrops
and my slowed heartbeat
drowning out instinct
where sleep is awakened
by a shame and blues
where love is and unforgiving and forgotten by you
A gift given freely
but never without cost
keeping secrecy of souls happiness lost
raindrops on flesh
refreshing only skin
but what lies within
remains unquenched
And left dry with regret
Raw and trying to
Neglect the deafening sound
Of raindrops bouncing off
once still waters...

Choice...

Curled up on cold tile
Water grazing tense skin
Thoughts flooding a restless mind
Feelings rising like steam
Awakening like numbed fingertips
Vulnerability speaks here
Singing of choice and self
Awareness washing away fear
Instinct shadowed by need
New beginnings embracing flesh
discovery and destiny wait there
Curled up on cold tile
Life is decided here
Shame and vermilion cheeks
Snaking down drains
Like repressed memories
Where happiness like fleeting butterflies
becomes elusive and teasing
And complacent in being just enough...

a new day, a better me, an electrifying experience.

fingertips...

its like an electric charge ripping
through my body.
every inch, crevice, flesh and skin.
all tingling with an intensity i have
never experienced.
shattered walls and thoughts crumbling
of everything i thought i knew.
heart pounding like drums of a million
drummers lined on concrete drowning out
the white noise of this world.
rhythm and human nature like
joined hips singing melodies of love
and lust.
the need for touch and intimacy
on divine planes.
and as the pleasure subsides
a serene bliss breaks over my face like
daylight breaking dawn.
complete silence and self reflection.
pushing worries and doubt at bay.
listening to heart, soul and flesh.
blending voices like cathedral choirs.
this song and dance not meant to be choreographed
by ideologies and social graces
but rather a following of the wind and
whispers of instinct and nature.
still tingling and caught between sleep and raw awareness
a smile breaks across my face
pushing worry to the pit of my stomach,
i listen to the sound of breath and grazing of my skin
soft and enticing
still, and gentle, completely inviting.
with closed eyes and open fists
i slip outside of all i have ever known of myself
and grasp a new reality
senses now awakened and thoughts racing
taking silent and deep breaths
trusting that needs and wants have formed a truce
i accept self love in the form of flesh
and feel electricity make quiver a sleeping and gentle
giant
that has remained alone for fear of this moment
"it's ok"  i whisper to myself
gripping hands and letting go
i found freedom in understanding a part of myself
and my nature that has laid dormant in tense skin
walls down and feelings flooding forward
i laugh silently at myself
finding joy in defeated fear
 and welcomed embarrassment
i lay still listening to drummers in my heart
sighs grazing flesh
and freedom in my palms

first poem of the year written on 01.30.2012. great memory

(image: http://contrary-garden.blogspot.com/2010/11/tattoo-files-fight-or-flight.html)